CARELESS TALK – THE COST OF CANDOR

Speak your mind, unload on a trusted friend, or even whisper an opinion about something innocuous. A price, trifling or weighty will be the result in most earthly constituencies.  Our opinions, our sage advice and momentary impressions travel like a feather on the wind.  People don’t mean to be transmitters, but they are in every sense. It is a huge temptation to repeat what you heard in a more colourful, profound or important context.  Having recently been shocked at the way in which a small story I told was repeated, I can choose to “clam up”, audit myself or trust and do some editing before I speak.

The act of dissembling by others or myself has the consequence of making each of us less authentic. You and I can no longer choose global sincerity as a behaviour. We are all placed in the invidious position of not putting any faith in the hearing, assimilative or communication integrity of a listener.  This has probably happened, in part, because our lives are fraught with unfriendly and cold one-way communication, electronics, technology and a general sense of urgency created by everyone thinking they should be saying something important. We should just try “reaching” one another.

If you catch yourself actually wanting to communicate with another person, a strange dance of “depth” testing happens.  You work in references to determine, understanding commonality and may even test the subject by offering a missive, which though harmless enough will be the test bed by which you ascertain if the listener has got RR (repeat regurgitate syndrome).

You have to say “ I really don’t want Dave in accounting to know he makes lousy coffee”. When Dave in accounting asks why you hate his coffee, have a reason ready or say “who said that?”. 

“Who said that?” will result in Dave saying “Nobody said that.” “I noticed you don’t drink it anymore.”

Voila. You know who has RR and with whom you can never have another genuine discussion about anything. If a child is repeating your story with wild inaccuracy it can be funny. Many years ago I went out for breakfast with a family. The grandfather gobbled three orders of waffles. The waitress commented in his absence “That man certainly loves waffles.” The child didn’t hear the comment which was a little sarcastic. When Grandpa returned the child said “You certainly wobble.” to him. The senior was confounded but chowed down on his third and last stack of waffles.

I distinctly remember our janitor in high school complaining that he overheard a teacher saying he caused a short circus in her classroom. I couldn’t picture a short circus, but neither, could I imagine the teacher detected one somewhere. Noisy.

What we want to say may never be repeated as we think it. What we repeat may be a thousand miles away from what someone intended to say.  Try to listen with love, and try to communicate with discernment. It takes a little more time, and it takes intent, but it is worth it.

We can’t regret what we say, and we cannot suborn our need to communicate. We can try a little harder to make our communications less like a soup-can phone, and more like a really good intercom. Direct, reliable and not undertaken in malevolence.