SANTA IN THE TIME OF CSIS

Facts being facts, things have changed a lot for Santa. What with his encrypted email, his clean burning methane powered reindeer and his solar panel workshop.

The problem Santa has now, in particular, is that he fits all of the profiling characteristics of a terrorist. He drives around in the sky without the aid of air traffic control or a permit.  He keeps a giant data base of who is naughty and nice and definitely punishes the not-nices.  It’s been years since I got a decent present.

Further to this he skulks around our homes covertly, eating our treats, going up and down our chimneys. Further to that, he operates a sweat shop in the arctic without appropriate air exchange or a safe unionized environment. More specifically, he doesn’t advertise, apparently only has one name like Fidel or Mao and wears a red suit. What kind of name is Santa anyway?

It has come to my attention that he also wears garish black vinyl boots.  This is all wrong.

The North Pole is the lair of this obvious purveyor of espionage, and as far as we are all concerned, he should get a real job.  What kind of person employs elves?  You have to ask yourself why CSIS is not doing a better job.  Santa is an obvious threat to humanity. He gives stuff away for free, and doesn’t ask you to do anything to get it. He lives in a frozen wasteland with no manufacturing equipment and produces a plethora of playthings and he never makes public appearances. He is like the former dictator, Saddam Hussein who sends his impostors throughout the world dressed in even cheaper suits and boots.  The plus side is that he does delight children, and makes all of us feel like children for a little while. His message is, I suppose, Karmic. Although he is suspicious, I suppose he is harmless. I wonder if I was on the naughty or the nice list this year?