HOLIDAY IN-LAW DANCE (Do Not Try This At Home)

The holidays are embraced by a number of world religions, and seized on by our in-laws to make you choose which parents you love best.  This is not an aggressive gambit, but takes the form of subtle phone calls three months before the date of your Hanukah, Christmas, or other fete.

Initially, one family patriarch or matriarch (usually matriarch) suggests that he or she deserve this holiday for your exclusive attention, and remind you that they are getting on (sometimes they cough after saying this). Soon after this your own mother or father tell you that since you are their progeny, you should demonstrate some loyalty and spend the holidays with them. What you need to remember here is that no matter what you do, someone is going to be arch and complain.  It could even be the set of parents you choose. 

I recently heard a story about a woman who went to the in-laws for Christmas and was told she should be wearing all the stuff they had bought her for the last number of years. My cousin married a woman with an extremely big hairdo, and my aunt complained that it was so distracting she could barely pay attention to everything else she usually complained about.

In the end, the Holidays can be a double edged sword. If you are selfish enough to want to spend time only with your immediate family, you are deemed insensitive. If you choose to split your loyalties and attend at both families’ homes for the festive period, then you will have to faee two sets of small recommendations cleverly disguised as kvetching.

In ancient times when people had umpteen spouses, I don’t know how they managed. Can you even comprehend having 14 mothers in law?  Think about how many “It’s not the way I do its”, “Some people may like that buts”, and “I don’t want to interfere buts” you would need to tolerate.  Of course, Vikings were the most difficult in-laws to please.  If you offended their delicate sensibilities you were pillaged and left in the wilderness.  It was almost as bad being related to the Borgia’s, the aristocratic but murderous family that infiltrated royalty, the papacy and some say started Wal Mart.  They poisoned everyone.  and with zeal.  It didn’t take much, really to be offed by the Borgias.  Bad hair day, preventing their ascension to the papacy, or painting a bad picture.  Any advice I could give you about how not to end up with vitriolic or territorial in laws would never work.  In laws are like bad products. They look great until you have then at home for a long period of time. Once the “niceness” expiry day is up, watch out.  It is possible that your analytical criteria, however should include:

1. No Vikings
2. No Borgias
3. No RV Owners who will park on your lawn for months on end
4. No federal senators because they never show up
5. No survivalists because they will make you drink Tang and eat dried bananas

This is the best advice I can give, other than to suggest that you screen all calls for three months before the holidays. Four months in Newfoundland.