GOING TO THE GYM
A PRIMER FOR TYROS

These are the things you need to buy before going to the gym. Sports Underwear will keep you securely battened down and provide the "hiding" effect required if your tummy or anything else is a little out of lien.  Next, you need designer shoes, because the pecking order for footwear is really good shoes, reasonable shoes, and bargain bin shoes. Not good. Really good shoes indicate that you take the gym seriously and won’t waste anyone’s time.

The third thing you need is not to look sweaty. You can accomplish this by concentrating and not doing too much. Whatever you do DON’T SWEAT.

Your hair must be tied up so that it doesn’t give you a cro-magnon look if you sweat.

The etiquette of the gym is set in stone. Don’t stare at people, don’t make faces if someone next to you pressing weights could kill small populations with their body odour, and wipe all equipment down with disinfectant after you have used it.

If you are lifting weights, even if the weight is only the equivalent of five chocolate bars tied together, act like you are suffering. Wince, groan and breathe hard, especially when you exhale.  I learned this from various people who were actually pressing less weight than I was. I tried to look controlled and not grunt or scream. By watching these people pretend to suffer, I realized that that is a big part of effective gym ambience. If everyone is just exercising without dramatics what’s the point?

The other seemingly important thing you should do is look flexible. Wrap yourself like a Windsor knot and inhale and exhale when you are behaving in a flexible way, make every effort to keep your joints from cracking or becoming lodged in one position, unable to uncoil. I have noted that it is a kind of mating ritual for people who can’t lift weights  because they are too weak and skinny,

The mesomorphs and slender reed-like gym goers make the people who really need the gym feel inadequate. It is really hard to concentrate or count or do whatever kind of mental exercise is required to keep track of repetitions your exercise bdudies are wheezing, sweating, or  letting weights crash down triumphantly. What kind of distraction is it when people on  electric treadmills flee on the spot  like the Canadian Revenue agency is in hot pursuit?  Those people ask me if my machine is broken when I amble at a leisurely pace on  my electric sidewalk.

The gym is not particularly affirming, and I am told that someone in Germany is inventing a device that makes you think you are exercising, while you are strapped to a machine that feeds you nutrient tablets. Sounds promising. This machine has only one speed.